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I recently came back from a jog. It’s shocking to admit this fact. It seems it was likely ten years since I last did so. However It came to my attention that my tests indicate slightly high cholesterol, and the recommendation was to engage in vigorous activity frequently.

This is the first time in my existence that my motivation to work out has been my health status. During earlier years, I ran because I desired to lose weight. I also jogged to alleviate nervousness – It was an avoidance tactic from those feelings, instead of dealing with it. At other times, I ran because I wanted to get better in running. It signified the meaning to me at that time to develop a superior lifestyle.

Exercising with new motivation now prompted contemplation about the ways I’ve connected with my physical self over my lifetime and how this is changing as I move from youth to midlife. I believe not I’ve honored my body, not fundamentally. I’ve prized it only for its roles and the purposes it provided: aiming to appeal; dodging sentiments; running a faster 5K run. Previously, I hadn’t realized that my body is me, it is my existence, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

Much has been discussed through history about the separation of mind and body – which it’s reassuring to know, I’m not going to precis now. What resonated most fascinating is the Freudian perspective that mind and body are developmentally integrated from birth, because physical development demands psychological development and conversely. The infant’s bodily experiences – like the bodily feeling of hunger – drive the mind to cultivate the ability to identify hunger as a sensation that can be sated by nourishment; and the mental reassurance and satisfaction repeatedly brought by meal after meal supports the child’s mind similar to the milk nourishes them corporally. Similarly mental events – such as the desire to rise and grab an object, and the determination to try again and again – are the cause and means physical strength increases. From our earliest moments, our body and mind are intertwined in reciprocal evolution as unified as a spiral.

Yet It’s become clear, in sessions with my analyst, that mental and physical aspects may exist in an alternate dynamic – one less integrated and somewhat abusive. My mind may employ my physical self to store and manifest things that my mind considers undesirable or unbearable. During therapy we’ve become aware that exist particular emotional states that I worry I can’t handle; rather than feeling these in my mind, I subconsciously shift them into my body, becoming trapped as corporeal issues.

I previously experienced this as indigestion – not connected to food intake, but was a form of bodily backlash of the harsher emotions I failed to handle mentally. This wasn’t a deliberate decision, but after it was introduced to my attention by my analyst, and my fear and insecurity and rage and terror became palpable and articulated rather than converted to physical sensation, it disappeared. I seldom experience from stomach problems today.

The worst time I endured this intense reflux, I failed to rest for many nights straight. It seemed I was forfeiting my mind. I visited my doctor, who scheduled various scans and tests, but no issues were found corporally problematic. It turned out to be a different physician who informed me that the cause could be emotional. My therapist concurred. I was stunned, but I recognized it was accurate.

When a patient is suffering a physical symptom, it can be upsetting at the suggestion that it could have a mental root. It can seem as invalidation, being told that their symptom is imagined. Naturally such cases occur – individuals may experience their symptoms discounted or wrongly assessed. However, sometimes it might be that the corporeal issues are real – without doubt – and the source is emotional, the inner mind utilizing the physical self to express some pain or fury or any feeling awareness is unable to bear. Sometimes, it’s easy to think our experience is only valid only through expression through the body. We continually disrespect our minds on a personal level, in social contexts and culturally; how else can we allow the shocking elimination of psychological therapies on the NHS?

Personal insights have shown me that an improved existence cannot be created when we are stuck without realization in patterns of interaction, internally and in relationships, that originate in disrespect, manipulation and dealings. These dynamics are often easier to identify “out there” in wider society. It’s likely less comfortable to consider how they got out there, and to recognise these forms inside us and within our closest relationships, in the dynamics of our minds.

Yet it’s valuable to continue. When I put my trainers once more following many years, going outside not for physical improvement, or to escape an emotion, or to surpass a 5km time, {it