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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.